On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
