Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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