Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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