OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
