His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
