shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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