I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
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Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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