he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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