I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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