This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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