I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize