Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
