i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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