literally had 100 drinks last night.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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