My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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