There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
