I am in a vortex of obligation.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
