i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
bring money and cleavage
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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