When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
