Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
