This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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