glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
