So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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