you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
