Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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