There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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