every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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