You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
