Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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