She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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