Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
