We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
