im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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