The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
