It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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