Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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