haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
there's paper in my vomit.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
