I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Terrible idea I love it
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
