Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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