mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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