After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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