I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
