naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
