Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
