i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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