I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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