Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
