Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
