i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
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I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
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Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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