I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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