You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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