if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
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idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
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he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?