yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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