Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
