There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
