My room smells like vodka and shame
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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