all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
