He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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