So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
