OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
