If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
