p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
