so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
